This BHG article has been based on a true story. We naturally want more torque so you either try ECU remap yourself or find someone who does it for you. If you are in hands of Johnny McFuck, you end up with a questionable ECU remap or fucked up car.

PLEASE READ WARNINGS BEFORE YOU PROCEED !!!

IF YOU FIND INFORMATIONS USEFUL, PLEASE CONSIDER DONATION.

You either get influenced by free eExperts or end up in the hands of Johnny McFuck…in better case your fuel economy just increased, or you end up with damaged turbo and clutch…like me.

By reading emails you wrote me, I am not the only one who suffered thanks to pseudo-masters. What is even worse they are allowed to do business legally and able to fuck you up with full support of law.

SUMMARY

• Yet another crap website
• So many questions so little answers
• Scary beginning
• Forced start
• Old school hacker
• Sorting out unknown
• You can do it better
• Mental Trap
• Learning from pseudo-masters
• The Disturbance in Force
• The Final Push
• Banned knowledge

Yet another crap website

You stumble upon this website and wonder whether it is yet another common chiptuning crap. Only you are the judge of what is there to learn – many consider our stories as useless bullshit.

No matter how many facts (proven in field) you present, there will always be outcry because sheep always whine if you feed them incorrectly. Most importantly you do something wrong if nobody hates you!

The Most offended group of sheep is commercial duners because they consider 15 seconds dyno run as the holy grail of proper engine calibration. Of course, removing DPF, EGR is the real tuning.

After all, DPF/EGR/BRAIN OFF and black thick smoke is considered as the best tuning nowadays.

Whole HR web has been dedicated to share painful memories for free and educated fellow car hackers.

The more mistakes you do and more you suffer the better you become. Sadly, errors/mistakes are not politically correct in the humanoid world. What is even worse, those who tried rarely learned anything after many attempts.

You have choice there:

• either take a red pill and learn something useful.

• or a blue pill, and you can return to SocNet for a fair share of mental diarrhoea with fellow peers.

I can only show you the door – you’re the one that has to walk through it.

So many questions so little answers

You belong to one of three main groups of car enthusiastic:

• car hacker junior

• already rapped by Johnny McFuck and wonder why

• both above

You RFTM & UTFG everything you could find, but you didn’t find anything useful.

Don’t worry I have been in your place back in 2014. What is even worse I have experienced first hand both groups and paid dearly for common chiptuners‘ incompetence.

The Scream, 1893 by Edvard Munch

Scary beginning

Despite my curious and careful nature, I was more Kamikaze guy who acted upon experience to gain more experience. Surprisingly, I have survived my wild era of extreme sports.

If you not force yourself from the so-called comfort zone, you will NEVER EVER improve your limits and knowledge.

It happened “accidentally”. I was always interested more in the most important part of vehicle modifications – after all if chassis/suspension is not faster than engine, you are going to crash in the first corner.

I recall during my karting career a guy that purchased my favourite car Subaru Impreza WRX. He was a pure Scottish petrolhead and naturally wanted more power. An avid track-day guy he told me “man, I installed a larger turbo and got like 400HP, but it was shit in corners. I do not like Subaru, it is a crap car.”

Subaru has got pretty decent suspension for a family car, still it is designed for comfort rather than racing handling. Most cars, even the so-called sport ones, have crap suspension and if you increase torque you will end up like my fellow karting guy.

Best is the simplest and most optimal. In other words, a 200HP car with finely tuned suspension will be faster (at least in corners) that 300HP with crap suspension setup.

It is common that people tinker with something they do not understand, especially what each change causes. Common Joe does it mainly for social interaction rather than becoming a master.

It took me three years just to learn about the Art of Suspension setup. I was pimping stuff I easily understood and avoided major changes that can result in major repairs. I can repair almost everything by myself, but I hate waste of time 😉

Forced start

My friend asked me “You always screw around with suspension, you push your car to the limit, but you still have stock engine output. If I was you I already had ECU remap.“

He made fun of me that he already remapped so many cars and I lag behind. Using many fancy words I didn’t understand but that is how you get pushed into something.

Never befriend someone who doesn’t force you to improve or balance you out.

In my world, limit is rarely engine or suspension but always a seat 😉 I knew I wouldn’t be happy with commercial chiptuning, so only one option left.

But he was right – I bought a cable, dumped the content of ECU and tried to understand.

Old school hacker

Don’t be confused by the word hacker, it doesn’t mean what you think.

I am an old school hacker – we grew up on RTFM and later on we shared knowledge over the Internet. Naturally, I have surfed Internet for knowledge but there was nothing. I found some books, but it was usually general knowledge and very little info about TDi.

Of course, I have read any possible chiptuning guide….usually from ecuconnections guys.

As everybody, I sought shortcuts to get some decent first remap I can build upon and do not waste too much time in process because I already had headaches from suspension setup art.

For some reason there was not much info about Bosch EDC16U34 ECU. No documentation, no map addresses, no nothing, or I asked wrong questions to Uncle Google.

Car forums are sponsored by commercial tuning companies and the last thing they want to do is to share their “knowledge” for free.

I do not wonder though I used to be the same – the less I knew the more I was afraid that someone steals my “knowledge”… youth retardation and arrogance is the building block for modern society based on bullshit.

That is how most of us are farmed and programmed from the beginning… I was partially programmed by bullshit as well but eventually took the red pill and left the dream world of Matrix.

Sorting out unknown

I spent hundreds of hours by attempts to find out calibration maps in my ECU…all manually and visually.

If you don’t know how, you have to do it anyway in order to find out how. Reading books or learning from teachers do not change anything unless you try yourself.

Every chiptuner tells you that seeking maps manually is how you become best. While good for learning, you still guess, and it will cost you dearly.

I am sure a PC hacker can disassemble binary code from ECU in IDA Pro, but I doubt common Johnny McFuck, who does chiptuning in grandma’s garage around the corner, posses legendary knowledge of hackers.

I have observed chiptuning forums, and it looks like that WinOLS auto map search is not a magical bullet either. Guys seem to be confused what each map means anyway.

I have just a demo version of the WinOLS, so I can’t say. Common sense tells me that last thing car manufacturers want is to sell car hackers documentation so that they can reverse engineer ECUs.

I even paid for DAMOS mega pack on eBay. It took me some time to sort out this mega crap and found over 50% duplicates. Remaining stuff is mostly useless or incomplete. A small fraction was useful for further research.

All they do is guessing because car manufactures do not share documentation for their products. Popular and old cars have been reverse engineered and hacked long time ago but what about new cars or unpopular cars?

I recall a guy with a Ford Fiesta that desperately tried to crack his ECU. Two chiptuners already fucked his car. There are hundreds of maps in EDC17C74 and no documentation.

Chiptuners simply guessed because they know that most do not notice – sadly they met psycho guy like me, and he noticed fucked up fuel economy, unstable boost and so on.

He contacted/confronted his chiptuner about the issue and that poor motherfucker refused to reply, but he sure collected 300€ for fucking up his car.

You can do it better

If you have a brain, you can do the same with some effort and commitment.

Not only you will learn something, but it will be better than common chiptuning from Johnny McFuck because he does exactly the same guess-work as yourself. But he does it for money, and he will certainly not waste time on proper calibration.

I knew nothing about engine calibration, only theory how the engine works. In less than a month I had the first Kamikaze remap v1.0, and you can do it same.

I suggest you to not follow my usual Kamikaze strategy though… I usually go all in…it looks like some old strategies from my extreme sports career.

If you follow this simple guide you cannot screw anything up. You can, but it will be most likely either by poor condition or lack of maintenance of your car, rather than improper calibration.

I eventually developed a brutal ECU remap version that stressed car components to the limits. Turbo sounded like a lifting-off chopper and second gear acceleration felt like 1000HP car.

I have “accidentally” met a guy on ecuconnections that appeared to know more than me. I paid for documentation and his remap. My vision was to check out how chiptuners do it.

Follow the best was always my strategy. He claimed to work for car manufacturers and teaches chiptuning…what can go wrong if you have a good story right?

I whine regularly about parking-lot and remote chiptuning because it is the best and quickest way to fuck up your beloved car that you already spent thousands of hours already.

Trust me I know it first hand and that is the main reason why HR do not offer any chiptuning service, but we offer guidance and examples how to do it right. I thought if I check that “master’s” modified file nothing can happen.

Mental Trap

Psychology science says that an intelligent person needs about 10,000 hours to learn a new skill….10 years to master it and a lifetime to make it legendary.

I had barely 500 hours of chiptuning skills. If I don’t know how to do it, I just do something in order to learn how to do it.

Modern education system is for poor fools, it gives them a feeling of competence. The Old School System was one great master that taught few bright ones willing to become masters.

How the hell can you learn something in a class full of noisy motherfuckers and “teacher” that has no real experience other than imaginary taught by another HTEM.

It is a trap because you can’t learn anything in reality you must be born with it, discover why you were born and what for. Of course, your natural talents can be cultivated with proper guidance, but you must be that weird guy with curiosity and desire to learn.

I can tell you from my own experience that the modern system is not designed for bright ones…we are taunted and destroyed because unknown brings fear. What can you learn in such a negative environment?

You guess it right…NOTHING USEFUL.

I never let schooling intervene with my education.

Mark Twain

Learning from pseudo-masters

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. If you knew already, you wouldn’t do it right?

I checked the guy’s modded file, made some changes and flashed ECU’s EEPROM. It looked more stable but I lost power.

I was aiming for stability because my modifications were wild and unstable…clutch destruction imminent followed by turbo.

The guy made second mod and more aggressive. I asked him lots of questions… he started to get headaches from me LOL.

The new version was “better” but I noticed increased fuel consumption and DPF regen cycles.

The Disturbance in Force

Meanwhile, I studied 2000 pages Bosch reference manual and DAMOS that I have purchased. I already worked three years in Austria, but technical German is a different story from normal communication.

I also bought Polar FIS, logged with VCDS because if you have no feedback how do you know whether it is good remap or not?

I started to notice that there is something horribly wrong…EGT was over 850 °C, DPF often regenerated, but it took hours to regenerate…once, I drove 200 km and DPF still regenerating.

I knew DPF was clogged because previous owner drove short trips (usual Anglo-Gemanic retardation to drive 100 meters for shopping or to work)

I eventually burnt all crap from DPF but one nice time after some high speed fun on German Autobahns…turbocharger started to make funny noises.

Turbo leaked engine oil and whined permanently…if I knew back then…damaged journal bearing, sealing, by excessive temperatures. The First generation of DPF turbochargers were designed for max. 800 °C and only slight increase to 850 °C kills turbo in less than 20,000 km.

The Final Push

Nothing teaches better than pain…well, of course if you have balls to overcome brick-wall-effect and don’t whine like a little girl. You dust yourself up and learn from mistakes.

I replaced turbo, flashed back original Škoda calibration and started from scratch…studied every available guide but there is very little about TDi.

I sought knowledge, so many questions but so little answers. Changing calibration data is the easiest part but to understand why and what every change makes is an art.

Now, in 2021, I can say that I finally understand…a tip of iceberg 😉 The more I know the more I return closer to original Škoda values because your car is optimally calibrated already…whatever you do, you will make it only worst.

What you can do is to trade durability and economy for some extra torque or usual 30 seconds dyno power – make up your mind.

Banned knowledge

Once, I knew something I started to share my knowledge because you always owe your success to some other master.

Surprisingly, I was kicked from every popular car tuning forum just for preaching facts. I always forget that the normal herd wants to socialize and god bless if you question their beliefs.

They do not wanna know, they seek confirmation that they are right. In above by video, you can see humanoid evolution in the last 100 years and this mentality is everywhere. It makes me wonder where all went wrong.

If I could just lie, I would be the richest man on Earth because humanoids love bullshit and give you anything you want just to get some more bullshit.

But I do not need to tell you that because you already found our web…otherwise, you wouldn’t be there in the first place, right?

I am trying backwards to share answers for questions I had in the beginning. I have written many articles and guided some guys who had balls to contact us.

I am sure you heard about me on the Internet because I am than know-all idiot that has been kicked out… I must confess that I cannot communicate with normals…well unless I have a bottle of vodka in blood…only then I start to understand common bullshit and “problems” normals face every day.

What I see from guys who contacted me…you won’t be here if you are normal. I have even got a tap on the shoulder for legendary Encyclopedia Humanica and translation of bullshit ROFL.

You have always a choice:

• the blue pill and keep on dreaming.
• the red pill and become a legend.

We are here for fun time not for a long time.

Colin McRae