Of course not everybody is cursed as me and seek knowledge. Based on my ECU remap guide for beginners I’ve compiled simple guide for picking up experienced and wise ECU hacker.

Simply observe and ask right questions – people show you everything about themselves without uttering single word !!!

Thanks to internet, there is ever increasing numbers of eExperts. Be aware, they are everywhere !!! What is even more scary, they have built businesses on this expertise. Business world is based on simple philosophy “Know slightly more than most lazy, blind ignorants.” and one quickly becomes “expert/guru/star/legend”. You’ve been warned !!!

“There is simply no shortcuts to excellence.”

All you need to do is to check potential chiptuner web site with fancy dyno graphs because every tuner/dyno-onanist loves them !!! DYNO graphs never lie about knowledge and philosophy of person behind the ECU remap !!!

Dyno graphs are domain of tuners and dyno-onanist. You can easily distinguish them by shiny cars with everything as large as possible, suffering from infamous SPS.

Horse Power sells cars – Torque wins races

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Dirty Hilda HR I rally style – if it ain’t dirty it never tasted roads !!!

WARNING !!! WATCH OUT FOR MOBILE CHIPTUNERS PROMISING TO FLASH SUSPICIOUS ECU MAPS DOWNLOADED FROM INTERNET AND CLAIMING AS THEIR OWN. FLASHING ECU WITH SUSPICIOS HARDWARE, PURCHASED IN CHINA, AT LOCAL TESCO PARKING LOT. THERE IS NO QUICKER WAY TO FROZEN ECU (new 1,000 €), DAMAGED TURBO AND ENGINE (over 3,000€).

Let’s take a loook at popular chiptuners, what they tell us about themselves and how they sell HP.

Tdifun (CZ web)

Typical Percen-master who guarantees damaged clutch and turbo – max. boost and fueling right from low revs.

Notice deadly boost spike at 2200rpm…desperate electronic control unit tackling uncontrollable over-speeding of turbo and then full boost again. Boost spike might be an effective strategy in motorsport but we don’t have Inconel turbochargers, exhaust piping and we need durability more than 1000km, right?

I doubt common driver follows Colin Chapman‘s philosophy “If car doesn’t fall apart behind finish line, it was over-designed.” Max. torque at 2000rpm and where we need torque most is just void.

Question is how long will clutch and turbo last at full load?

Xtuning (CZ/EU web)

Similar to TDifun above by but at least smooth torque curve. Yet another clutch/turbo destroyer.

Mr. Cimbu (CZ/EU web)

Ex-mastermind of Skoda R&D department. Most likely the only competent chiptuner in Europe if not in world (of course there might be more but I didn’t meet them yet). Great, helpful guy who helps in blink of eye if you have balls to ask a master !!! I personally always learnt from masters and never from eExperts!

Of course high prices reflect his knowledge. It may look like as “expensive” service with 750€ price tag but you don’t need to worry about your clutch, turbo and engine in long term…and that’s over 2500€ saver!!!

This is how looks like optimal ECU calibration – min. changes in low revs for clutch protection; Mid range revs increase for cruising around and flat out where you need it most for High-Gm^NM.

 Revo (global star web)

Popular global Percen-masters. I found lots of marketing crap on their web page but no dyno graphs…weird ha? There is customer’s dyno graph from Jetta (2009) for illustration.

We see this over and over again. For 300€ without VAT, Revo guarantees clutch destruction.

 Malone tuning (US star web)

Yet another clutch destroyer. Only similar car found but it doesn’t matter what car you observe. You can pick any car because customs and misunderstanding rarely changes.

I like his idea of dynamic EGR – at least he is not an ECO terrorist.

Darkside Developments (UK star web)

My favourite guys for custom heavy duty parts. Despite live tuning capabilities, yet another clutch/turbo kamikaze destroyer as TDifun.

Last words

As can you see expensive catastrophe with only one exception. Now, you know why I rather learnt ECU calibration myself and created a guide for those with same curse as myself. It has been told many times, yet people never listen and learn.

“All popular is wrong”

Oscar Wilde

That’s the reason why Hajes Racing was born – we prefer to destroy all by ourselves based on hard evidence and experiments. I really should attend dyno masturbation because I talk rubbish and my car might be same as percent-master‘s philosophy.

Do you still wonder why there is so much clutch outcry in almost every car forum. Yet people still have absolutely no idea why. Imagine how quickly would you destroy your clutch and turbo if you live in Alps as myself.

“Straights are for quick cars and turns are for quick drivers.”

Colin McRae

I still wonder why there is compulsion to max. out at low rpm. Have you ever seen rally cars driving at 2000rpm…flat out? Ok it is petrol engine…how about Audi R18 TDi for LeMans? Always flat out in optimal engine’s output range – learn how to use engine output properly.

Price of chiptuning varies (100-750€) and you always get what you paid for !!! My learning curve and experiments did cost 500€ so far and I can change anything at will. Of course not everybody wishes to squeeze 99% of performance from car and 100.1% from yourself.

Don’t forget the best upgrade in car is always the seat !!!

“Strategy is beyond techniques, technique is beyond tools.”